$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
