Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
he shaved USA in his pubs
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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