We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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