Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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