did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
