she woke up with a sticky ear
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize