Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
