What a fucking waste of an outfit
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
