my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
