does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
