I wish life had little blips of pornography
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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