he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
