I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
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