Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
