I wish they made helmets for livers.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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