I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
