Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Randomize
