you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
