What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
