even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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