yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
