so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
