Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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