If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
