apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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