and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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