saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
