Soap is not a condiment
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
