I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
