did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize