I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
tell me about the eggs
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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