and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
