the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I am one with the molecules
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
