Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
