sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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