Swine flu. Run for my life!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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