He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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