did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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