so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
