can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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