don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
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I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
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Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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