If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
