he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My cat gives me a boner
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm passing your future prison.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
