I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I hope mine doesn't look like that
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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