he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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