i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
