I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
