why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
