I'd wear matching sweaters with you
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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