There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
