good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
