My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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