so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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