I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
