I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
