I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
being pregnant is like rehab
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
