It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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