Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
